Why Actors are Crazy…
[who wouldn't want to hire me!? okay, okay. try not to laugh…]
I used to fancy myself an actor. I mean, I was really serious about it. It really takes a certain type of personality to stick with acting. A certain type of persistence that I never have and never will possess. Imagine going on a job interview everyday, maybe 2 or 3 a day only to NEVER EVER EVER hear back. Not even a courtesy, "we decided to go another direction." In fact, when you watch the show the part you, a 23 year old white female, auditioned for is played by an African American woman 40 years older than you... Another direction?! Why did you even audition me??? The first two or three times it's fine, you deal. You check your phone every 30 seconds up until the second the job starts filming, but you survive. Even the 20th, 30th time you handle it, but when you start talking 50th, 60th, 100th time. You are like WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?! I'm not even good enough for a freaking Clorox commercial??? Insert doubt.
The first time you show up to an audition that you drove hours for (3-5 in my case because I was always just on the outside) and you are surrounded by taller, prettier, more modely versions of yourself for a stupid Ashton Kutcher Nokia job that you don’t even care about because you didn't get into acting for print ads... Insert physical insecurities.
That time you actually get a call to audition for a MAJOR casting agent and you 100% completely blow it and end up talking about Marc Jacobs bags instead. And every other time a “giant” opportunity pops up and you are completely certain that it's your big break, only to be disappointed. Insert cynicism.
When you realize you've made 800 dollars after taxes in 3 years of trying to act. 800 dollars?!?!?! Insert feelings of worthlessness.
Maybe I was never good enough but, the thing is, “being good enough” is rarely the problem. There are tons of amazingly talented actors trying to make their break and just not able to find the right job because they are 3 inches too short, 6 pounds too heavy, your hair isn't brown enough, or they wish you had more freckles... Hollyweird is able to be as picky as they want to the detriment of all your hopes and dreams.
It takes unwavering confidence and perseverance to try and make it as an actor. I’m amazed I was able to keep it up for as long as I did. I think I will always love that side of me, I will always appreciate what it taught me about myself and the people I met because of it, but I will not miss any of the insecurities it unearthed inside of me. Honestly, I like the person I am so much more now. I still have dreams and goals, they just look a lot different… and require me to attend a lot less therapy…